11-01-10

Wow, a lot's happened.

CLOSED:
Paid off debt.
Finally finished GH3 on Expert mode. NEXT - kill the 8 4*'s left. Then back to Rock Band.
Learned about Seductive Reasoning. Incredible. NEXT - apply.
Watched all of Derren Brown's TV shows and took notes. NEXT - apply.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LSgcSPOe5U NEXT - learn this shit!

OPEN:
Go to the Post Office, drop off all stuff.
Simplify, simplify, simplify. Screen your time and energy MUCH more thoroughly. If you're not there yet, there's a reason for it under post-test, guaranteed. Scoff all you want, time has proven it true, just apply it all deeper than you're willing to. You'll have to push past the person you think you are to get to the person you REALLY are. This is important. Today will not matter in 10 years otherwise.

I want to succeed at all costs. Friendship, parties, sleep, small things, parents, all come second to the person I want to become. Those affirmations are going to come true. come hell or high water. There's nothing else to do anyway. But the way through to them now, is into a new part of me. It's through the really excruciating pain locked up in my heart. Gravity's pulled me there, to the new territory I have sought for so long. Time to speak the truth in the face of creating an environment I can actually stand to live in, with two recurring elements missing: the right people, and the right me. Then the rest will take care of itself.

The core issue itself might be so deep it's just never been even considered, just a foundational bug in the system. A kind of 'what? I've been here all along, no wonder you haven't seen me.' And there are so many of those going on it's freaky. Outer culture, inner ontological shocks, shifting state and repression. Those are the 3.
Now, picking a subcategory in the first of those: school life; awful, and largely self inflicted - the only way to gain any approval between a nihilist culture and a selfloathing family, was to play 'being a freak' to the hilt, even though I died inside from doing that. Here are a few more - fucked up religious history, bad parenting, diet, ingrained culture, biases, trust issues, and being a man.

I want to run up to people and hug them without making them uneasy.
I want to tell people I love just how much and how deeply I love them, every single day, and empty my heart without guilt or repression.
I want to powerfully enter myself and take that new person into the heart of someone else.
I want glory, success, and power.
I want the freedom from my old self, to heal my own weaknesses.


I'm gentle, loyal, passionate, loving, and innocent, and I will stand up for that as truth, as something that can never be touched. In 10 years today will not mean a thing. It has to be used in the service of bettering me right now, and cleaning out everything that is not me.
So as an individual with his own energy, an uneducated history of insecurities that come and go at will, and the need for secure intimacy, this is my conclusion: Set your standards, defend them with a killer instinct, and instead of bitching or trying to crawl, use the power they contain in the service of the level of success that makes you giddy with joy. That's your only responsibility. Let that open your heart up because it won't do it itself. And then you're alive. And at that point, you've won the game and don't need to work at any other area. No more mediocre achievements, shallow relationships, or emotional wounds: do you have joy? Do what it takes to get there. All thoughts - ALL THOUGHTS - are open loops waiting to be closed. Just dig deep till they close.

As I type those words it starts triggering an imagination of an inner fractal universe. Inside is the true world, outside is the dream (or nightmare). This can't be faked or replicated. It's alive. It's like what I can imagine Coltrane or Holdsworth tapping into. When you're in the spirit world purely of your own creation - and that's the goal, without any barrier - then you're THERE.

OK, this could all be empty emotionally triggered ranting - or it could be the doorway to the real me. It's impossible to tell and so frustrating. Self deception covers its tracks.
Let's see.