21-06-09

OPEN LOOPS -
Talk to Chris Hardesty at Open Heaven tomorrow, perhaps Claire re: volunteering down at Emmanuel. This is important.
All the listed items as per usual. Consider changing diet.

CLOSED LOOPS:
Talked to DT re: incapacity. Waiting for a letter.
Zappa!
Celdlh!

REVELATIONS.
Watched a waterfall in Nottingham today. For a brief moment I experienced a bliss so great. like scales falling from my eyes. The glory of watching water rise into the air in splendour and falling back down to its source in an eternal cycle. It carved out something indelible in my own experience. It woke up my soul. It dropped my filters and personality for a moment long enough that I could see myself as unbroken observation with the infinite capacity for reinvention. It was worth the trip down just to see my life in the context without language, form, age, creed, religion, belief, even faith. Just unique forms of water merging into one with grace and sublime natural wonder.

It ripped rage and hurt out of me. And disgust, and violence, and murderous power. And all manner of disgusting ooze that spoke villainous lies about me.
No wonder I got ADEM.
For the first time possibly ever, I engaged in a dialogue with my own soul. I did not like what I heard, but a sharp slap around the face beats such grave hurt. To think I had been sabotaging my own intentions so readily is a thought I almost cannot bear, if not for how deep the hurt has carved capacity for endurance and joy in me too, again, almost more than I can bear and far beyond words. But piece by piece, the lies fade. It's an uphill climb. They will come back again, and it's going to be just as hard an uphill climb, and it's going to feel deadened and raw and frayed and deceitful. And I will say this is the power of my mind when programmed, that there is a bug in the OS and I would never choose fear, or self denial, or broken dreams, or limitation of any kind. That the joy that blossoms in me like the flowers I stop to smell on the path home comes from the energy that releases and reveals, and explodes forth with TRUE freedom of choice. I will stand aside as the observer of a mind gone astray and see the useless information. I will carve with a sure hand and mold with gentility. I will feel the diads pushing and pulling of their own accord and not resist.
But this is the path I have chosen, the hardest one, to gain the power to see myself as I truly am. And I've cast aside anything non attendant to that. The loneliness is crushing at times. The denial of spirit still holds tight to my mind. But I made the choice to have the power to choose anew, and it's worth discarding everything to pursue it - because everything else is neither mine nor defines me. It's worth the power of belief at having survived a test of consciousness.
I will only know when I have truly arrived on the path when texture and sensuality wash over my life. When all old wounds have been healed, and all old choices of behaviour are gently set aside with a fond smile and found assertiveness. The hallmark of this spirit is a surrender to truth now known once more.

I must choose the path different from my parents.
I must choose the path different from my own mind.
I must choose the path of my original self.