11-01-10

Wow, a lot's happened.

CLOSED:
Paid off debt.
Finally finished GH3 on Expert mode. NEXT - kill the 8 4*'s left. Then back to Rock Band.
Learned about Seductive Reasoning. Incredible. NEXT - apply.
Watched all of Derren Brown's TV shows and took notes. NEXT - apply.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LSgcSPOe5U NEXT - learn this shit!

OPEN:
Go to the Post Office, drop off all stuff.
Simplify, simplify, simplify. Screen your time and energy MUCH more thoroughly. If you're not there yet, there's a reason for it under post-test, guaranteed. Scoff all you want, time has proven it true, just apply it all deeper than you're willing to. You'll have to push past the person you think you are to get to the person you REALLY are. This is important. Today will not matter in 10 years otherwise.

I want to succeed at all costs. Friendship, parties, sleep, small things, parents, all come second to the person I want to become. Those affirmations are going to come true. come hell or high water. There's nothing else to do anyway. But the way through to them now, is into a new part of me. It's through the really excruciating pain locked up in my heart. Gravity's pulled me there, to the new territory I have sought for so long. Time to speak the truth in the face of creating an environment I can actually stand to live in, with two recurring elements missing: the right people, and the right me. Then the rest will take care of itself.

The core issue itself might be so deep it's just never been even considered, just a foundational bug in the system. A kind of 'what? I've been here all along, no wonder you haven't seen me.' And there are so many of those going on it's freaky. Outer culture, inner ontological shocks, shifting state and repression. Those are the 3.
Now, picking a subcategory in the first of those: school life; awful, and largely self inflicted - the only way to gain any approval between a nihilist culture and a selfloathing family, was to play 'being a freak' to the hilt, even though I died inside from doing that. Here are a few more - fucked up religious history, bad parenting, diet, ingrained culture, biases, trust issues, and being a man.

I want to run up to people and hug them without making them uneasy.
I want to tell people I love just how much and how deeply I love them, every single day, and empty my heart without guilt or repression.
I want to powerfully enter myself and take that new person into the heart of someone else.
I want glory, success, and power.
I want the freedom from my old self, to heal my own weaknesses.


I'm gentle, loyal, passionate, loving, and innocent, and I will stand up for that as truth, as something that can never be touched. In 10 years today will not mean a thing. It has to be used in the service of bettering me right now, and cleaning out everything that is not me.
So as an individual with his own energy, an uneducated history of insecurities that come and go at will, and the need for secure intimacy, this is my conclusion: Set your standards, defend them with a killer instinct, and instead of bitching or trying to crawl, use the power they contain in the service of the level of success that makes you giddy with joy. That's your only responsibility. Let that open your heart up because it won't do it itself. And then you're alive. And at that point, you've won the game and don't need to work at any other area. No more mediocre achievements, shallow relationships, or emotional wounds: do you have joy? Do what it takes to get there. All thoughts - ALL THOUGHTS - are open loops waiting to be closed. Just dig deep till they close.

As I type those words it starts triggering an imagination of an inner fractal universe. Inside is the true world, outside is the dream (or nightmare). This can't be faked or replicated. It's alive. It's like what I can imagine Coltrane or Holdsworth tapping into. When you're in the spirit world purely of your own creation - and that's the goal, without any barrier - then you're THERE.

OK, this could all be empty emotionally triggered ranting - or it could be the doorway to the real me. It's impossible to tell and so frustrating. Self deception covers its tracks.
Let's see.

20-12-09

CLOSED:
Left foot at 142, right hand near 200 (PUSH IT!)

18-12-09

CLOSED:
Finished AW. BnC next. All day tomorrow. Kick it.
If you have no idea what you're doing at any time, you've become an actor asleep at the wheel.

OPEN:
Bad night at group. Raise your standards. Immature people aren't worth your time. Find people who you trust and spark with only.
Get out of this house. It's an extremely bad influence.
Hate sucking at plastic guitar. 1 part=clicking and snapping perfect at tempo, and memorized chart.
GRIEF - and being in the heart. Am I being resensitized? Dive in.

12-12-09

CLOSED:
Quiz. Fun! Add British pop, politics, geography and history to cultural music studies.
Force Unleashed....physics, story, production design great. Gameplay irritating - too linear, bad camera, not immersive or creative enough. More savvy to what makes a good game.
Uploaded RSD disks.

HEARTFELT music - the spirit creates emotion, emotion creates and connects to sound, sound is produced in the moment without style through improv, completely relaxed, flowing, and at depth.
Spirit dissolves all the layers into each other in the moment, at the core. That's true mastery.

Decided to leave certain people alone until I was happy with myself. Scrap identity and raise standards: empty mind, reaffirm affirmations every hour.

OPEN:
Go deeper. 100% is a whole new game. No thought, no stress, just total relaxation and automatic pilot of the soul.

09-12-09

CLOSED -
Videogame book. Silly WL appointment and letter.

OPEN:
Dead Space/Force Unleashed :D
App+Type/RSD, Finish raw notes and gym routine!
meetup.com!
Tree climbing!
Poker/kickboxing!

Tomorrow: PO/JSA B2W @13.15/haircut


Simple is good.

08-12-09

CLOSED:
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang / Peep Show series 2 / Mesrine / Corporation. whilst doing hands (198) and feet (130ish - new technique seems to be developing...)

Raw notes are DONE. Took all day. AMAZING book - lessons from miracle doctors. Nail in the coffin for allopath medicine.

That's all for tonight folks. Not much but closure feels so sweet. more to come.

06-12-09

CLOSED:
T2 audio commentary - liet motifs, slow mo, camera angles/dynamics/colours, themes/foreshadowing/exposition/timbred/textured sound fx. DAMN - Cameron is an insane director. Stacks, builds, and releases emotions and tension in an exciting, intense, innovative, and sensually involving way and it ALWAYS pays off. This is how movies should be made. Hell, this is how a director should be. Devoting every minute of his life to creating his craft and life to the widest, deepest, and fullest, in EVERY area. Not only is it possible, it's now required in order to get to the next level. So now I have to learn how to draw, how to make movies, AND deal with people on a sharp time frame. That is, if you want to play the game at the absolute top. Judging by results, who wouldn't?

Keep it short, sweet, fun, and honest.

OPEN:
Chord progressions - melody harmonies. Look for books on this subject.
Set all of this to memory as conversation springboarding.
Locking down the variables of a social sport: 1) depth of emotional field and related thought patterns 2) 1 in 15k input recording and inevitable output 3) changing levels of focused concentration from sleep/diet/exercise/general health, 4) individuals and climate in the outside environment.